Jared Graves lost 30 pounds to race downhill

Read that title again: 30 pounds. That is complete insanity. Have you ever met Jared Graves? Maybe my memory is playing tricks on me, but I'm pretty sure he's like four feet tall.



I've heard 25 pounds, I've heard 30. Either way, that's ridiculous. Did he really have an extra 30 pounds to lose? If you'd made me guess how much AussieGnome McGatestarter weighed, I probably would have guessed 30 pounds. But here's the real question: Is 4X really that different from downhill? I obviously don't know how much Graves weighed before or after, so for the sake of argument we'll just call his current weight "x."

(Editor's note: I don't know Jared Graves personally, and I just made fun of his height semi-anonymously on the internet, so I'm going to pass on the opportunity to pretend like we're besties and I'm not going to call him "Gravesie" for the remainder of this article)

If being competitive at World Cup downhill requires Jared to weigh "x" pounds, and being competitive in World Cup 4X requires Jared to weigh "x+30" pounds, than how on earth did anyone ever expect downhillers to compete against BMX meatheads in 4x?



It was always going to be a separate event. Eventually, riders were going to specialize. Two-sport athletes like Gee, Cedric, and Graves (and Steve Peat in Vigo in Earthed 3) were anomolies, and eventually they disappeared. The numbers don't lie. Eventually dominant 4X athletes were all going to look like this:






And THAT is why eliminating UCI World Cup 4x in favor of the XC Eliminator event was the best idea ever...



Yeah, I know, the resolution on that font is terrible. That's sort of my fault, sort of Blogger's user-interface's fault. Squint hard and deal with it.

Screen captures

"Gee Atherton, I can't believe you're pro, I'm waaaaaay sicker than you."



Earlier today I made fun of some screen captures from a Clay Porter/Atherton's/Beaumont/One Industries/Gary Turner Bikes/SoCal/awkwardly-long-close-up-of-Rachel's-shoulder-to-show-us-her-surgery-scars video. In the name of fairness, now I'm going to make fun of some screen captures from my video:

DB Welcomes Charlie to the DF5 Team from Diamondback Bicycles on Vimeo.

When the Diamondback "welcome to the team" video went public, I got all sorts of positive feedback. Of course, after watching it, it's obvious that TEAM ROBOT is about 1000 times more awesome than you or anyone on your team.






People really seemed to like the video, the trail, the bike, and generally wanted to "show the love." Those people are all on the kill list for their transparent emotional weakness. Fortunately, along with friends that support me and help build me up, I also have friends that say stuff like this:

"Chaz, you made a really funny face at this point... I thought you should know" -Alex Eley




Welcome to the Do Not Kill list, Alex.


On the plus side, compared with the Atherton video, at least my video didn't suck.

METAL MONDAY!

How to explain mountain biking

If you have a friend that asks, "what is mountain biking all about?" show them this video:



It can be hard to explain the role that mean-mugging and slow-mo-yellow-dust-throwing play in an average ride, so let the video do the talking.

Comments on vital and pinkbike were glowing and positive for this video, to which I have to ask REALLY? This is what you want to see from bike movies? There was about 30 seconds of actual, real-time riding in there, and only half of it was interesting. So, what you really want to see in bike movies is dub step, yellow dust, super slow-mo, and 39 seconds of mean mugs? What you really want is this?


Now that I think about it, don't even bother showing the video to your non-riding friends, just email them these screenshots from the video, and they'll be expert mountain bikers just after looking at them:











Really? These videos don't seem freaking weird to anyone else? Is no one else noticing this?





-Chaz

Unwatchably bad

Steve is an awesome guy and an incredible bike rider, but this interview is just terrible. Not really Steve's fault, but holy crap. I couldn't sit through it. So. Many. Comments... HERNIA.

It boils down to "Interview Bro," the name I've affectionately given the interviewer. That's the guy who conducts the interview, I think. That means Steve would be the interviewee. Maybe.

I think the word "interviewee" is like "escapee."

I don't know.



Anyway, back to the video. Meet Interview Bro, the man at the top of the kill list right now:






Just for the record, Interview Bro narrowly edges out "tries to write witty things on the grout above the urinal at college guy" for the position at the top of the kill list right now:





First of all, nice sweatshirt, Interview Bro. I don't know whether those are supposed to be stars or exploded alien guts or if it's the latest Air Jordan XXVI limited BS edition Hoodie, but I love it. It really brings out... how much of a bro you are.




Second, why are you standing out on a windy, random slab of rock out by a lake. It just looks... uncomfortable. Plus we're talking B.C. in early March, so we all know it's colder than shit out there, you're not fooling anyone. As if your interview skills weren't enough to drive Steve indoors, you put him out in the cold. Sweet.

P.S. Nobody thinks you're actually going for a bike ride together, so you're not fooling anyone there either. We all know you hiked your asses way out to that rock, and when you're done, you and Steve and the camera guy are going to hike your asses and that perfectly good bike back down to the car, go home, and warm up indoors. Why not just film the interview there? Oh, that's right, because you thought it would be scenic to have trees in the background. I forgot you were an aspiring artist, Interview Bro.




Third, Interview Bro, put your hands down. It looks like you're trying to communicate via semaphore but you lost your flags.




Fourth, no matter what Stevie says, your answer is either "sick" or "rad" or "for sure" or "totally." If Steve had said he was planning to choke the life out of himself with a leather belt around his neck when he got home, you probably would keep nodding and say "shredtacular, dude."

This is what your interview style looks like, Interview Bro:







Fifth. Interview Bro, do you remember when you were in junior high and your language arts teacher told you "there's no such thing as a bad question." Do you remember?

Guess what? Your teacher was full of shit.


When you open your mouth, it's obvious you don't know anything about bike racing. When you listen and do the bobble head thing, it's obvious that you have no idea what Steve's talking about.





So that covers dumb questions, but here's a good question:

Is Interview Bro still better than Brett Tippie?






To illustrate how difficult that question is, I've enlisted the help of someone who's really good at looking stumped:

Only the best for Blopes

Continuing in our proud heritage of reposting Brian Lopes press releases, making fun of them, and then putting words in his mouth, we bring you more exciting news from the mountain bike industry:


Novatec Wheels Sign Brian Lopes


Big smile. Really excited about this product.



"I'm really excited to begin this relationship with Novatec. As I cash in on my name recognition and try to coast into the finish line of life, I don't support just any product or company. I seek out the highest performing, best products available, regardless of how much or little they agree to pay me in salary, benefits, % share in the company, or for photo-incentives, mentioning their product in interviews, magazine ads, or event presence. Performance, and nothing else, brought me to Novatec."

-Fake Brian Lopes


"We at Novatec like to partner with athletes that give as much back to mountain-biking as we do. It's in that spirit that we are proud to bring Blopes onto the Novatec team. We are proud to join Brian's other sponsors, a list of high-quality, high-performance brands that all represent the best products in their fields, brands like Lazer helmets, X-fusion suspension, and Magura brakes. Getting Brian's seal of approval is huge for us, because Brian has a long history of riding nothing but the best, like GT and Marzocchi."

-Fake Novatec Spokesperson

I thought this video would suck

Insanity - Toronto bmx jam 2012 from Will Anderson on Vimeo.

It didn't.



-Chaz

PSA: to all mountain bikers

No one else thinks you're cool.

Canada

Whistler's marketing department added a new trail called "Top of the World" where you can wait in the line forever at their season pass office to hopefully be one of the 100 riders per day that gets to buy the "top of the world" pass, which is good for one run, unless there's a media event or visiting pro riders or a corporate event in which case they give the passes away to those guys and you don't get to do it no matter how long you wait in line. Continuing to rain on your parade:



Whistler's "Top of the World" trail on paper:





Whistler's "Top of the World" trail in practice:





Anyway, a lot of people on Pinkbike were pretty stoked about this, and they shared their stoke in the comments. One comment that jumped out at me came from Nevada Spelling Bee Champion "supr-ridr:"

"Yeah im all for being patriotic and what not, but lets be honest here who wouldnt want to be canadian and live in B.C."






Me.