Here's the game: I'm going to say two things that are true, and one lie. You'll have to guess which are true and which one is the lie.
1. Mountain Cycle came out with another downhill design. It's not in production yet. It made of metal... maybe?
2. Morpheus decided to expand on their already unique bike line-up with this new carbon downhill bike that uses threaded tie rod ends as shock mounts and uses what appears to be a piece of an old-timey two-handed saw blade as the chainstay:
3. Both of the above products look like great designs that will be widely popular and should prove to be extremely profitable.
Congratulations Neko, not only did you make it onto Brotocross, but you also are the current Fastest American After Gwin points leader. Here's your current FAAG top five, with their UCI points:
1. Neko "loves holding a smile for one or two seconds too long during a studio photo shoot" Mulally. 481 points
2. Luke "I look totally sober all the time" Strobel. 476 points
3. Eliot "Kevin why is your shirt off" Jackson. 347 points
4. Richie "also crashed on the hip at MSA but still didn't make Brotocross" Rude. 324 points
5. Mitch "actually stayed on his bike and qualified at Leogang last year and is clearly a way better bike rider than me" Ropelato. 275 points
The good news is that we still have a close race for the 2012 FAAG title, as Luke is only trailing Neko by five points. That gap is totally closeable, so Norway should be exciting to watch.
LEATT BRACES
If you want to see someone get really hurt by comments made by really mean people on the internet, hear a bunch of sweet new neckbrace rumors that you can start spreading on the internet, and then watch people in lab coats pretend to do science, this video is right up your alley. Fortunately, this is the first in a series of videos that you can be sure will be reposted and made fun of on the bot.
By the way, angry Leatt video guy: watching those dummies with Leatt Braces get their necks jerked around in tests doesn't actually make me feel any safer about my Leatt. I'm sure the Leatt prevented those dummy necks from getting completely ripped off, but it still didn't exactly look like a shiatsu massage or a light neck stretch. Show me all the science you want, but your video actually caused me to rethink my whole choice to wear a neck brace, because this was the choice I was faced with after watching your real neck brace tests:
1. Wear a neck brace, and have my neck almost completely ripped off in a crash, but still be alive. Do not pass go, do not collect $100. Then spend the rest of my life playing wheelchair basketball for team Steven Hawkings.
Poor taste? Whatever, I hear he's a jerk in person.
OR
2. Don't wear a neck brace, and relax to the peaceful bliss of having your neck completely ripped off in the same crash, suffering no pain and slipping into instant death like a wooden canoe gliding into a calm, slow moving river.
Easy choice, right? Plus, once you're dead it's all clouds, harps, and Philadelphia Cream Cheese, anyway. I talked with Gwin, and he said that's exactly what heaven's like.
Clearly I'm not the only one coming to this logical, scientific, well thought out conclusion. But don't listen to me, listen to the people who used to race in Leatt Braces that don't anymore:
The FAAG, himself, Neko Mulally used to run a Leatt
Gwin
Hart
Gee mostly used his Leatt to safely walk his bike down the hill after flatting with his failed tubeless system, but he still wore one.
Leov used to wear one
Steve wore one for a season
Blenkinsop
Even Neethling, who's from South Africa where they grow and harvest the Leatt Neck Brace trees (that's where they come from, it's science) has even tried racing without it.
PFunk been running a Leatt for four years now, and he didn't run it at Stevens Pass. I tend to trust PFunk's advice, too, because his usual results in Cat1 are really similar to my usual results in pro: buried.
Look, I'm still running mine, but I'm just saying... okay, I have no idea what I'm trying to say anymore.
STEVENS PASS RACE UPDATE
Junior X phenom Kole Wetherell decided to show some respect for his elders at Stevens Pass and did a run the official Project 529 old-guy-on-the-team, Geo Smith. Geo is the man, and there's actually a decent chance he's faster than you. Not because he's that fast, really, just because you suck.
Luke won. Slayer played. American flags waved proudly. Beer was sprayed. It was rad. If you weren't there, you're bummed.
Bas van Steenbergen beat me again, so that sucks for me. Also, he could whip the hell out of the last jump. The one that I awkwardly straight aired. More talent + faster than me + 5 years younger = I'm totally washed up.
I was still in the money though, with a 10th place overall. I finished 9th in pro, but Bas bumped my overall result. Nice work, junior. You probably already saw this photo on Vital, but I'm not above blatant self-promotion:
"Team Robot finished in 10th place and took home 1/10th of the prize money as the winner. This is only fair seeing as Charlie claims to have exactly 1/10th the talent of Luke Strobel."
Also note that I nailed check positioning to get my sponsors logo in there. Wannabe pros everywhere take note: companies don't just randomly hook up mediocre, mid-pack riders with inconsistent results like me. You've got to be out there working it for your sponsors. Yeah, you're welcome Diamondback.
Team Robot also sat down for an interview with Mitch Ropelato. Twenty minutes and eight pages of brilliant questions later, and we had the best thing you'll never hear. Our plan is to have the video online in the next week, but in Team Robot time that means you'll be eighty by the time we post the audio and your hearing won't work anymore, anyway.
Team Robot has partnered with Fox and Rockstar to make a limited edition Fox V3r Collabo Helmet, which will be available in all standard sizes to Domestic and International markets through all Fox distributers. This exciting new Collabo helmet should be shipping any day now and will be available for purchase August 14.
This helmet does not represent an opportunity for like-minded companies to come together to stoke out riders.
We don't feel like our core values line up and that we're sharing the stoke with you, the consumer.
We don't think this helmet represents the pinnacle, the zentih, or the epoch of any significant development in helmet technology, action sports lifestyle bullshit, or anything else.
Rather, Team Robot views this limited edition helmet as an exciting new way to further streamline killbot operations, as it covers many different killbot criteria in a large, easily identifiable format. Using the V3r Collabo helmet, killbots will be able to quickly identify and neutralize:
people who wear gaudy, annoying pink shit
people who buy random products that are plastered with energy drink logos
people who buy limited edition cross-branded "Collabo" products
people who hang out with or live near people who wear gaudy, annoying pink shit, buy random products that are plastered with energy drink logos, or buy limited edition cross-branded "Collabo" products
Here's another person who is helping to streamline Killbot Search and Destroy activities. Facebook has been a constant ally to the robots as we identify and neutralize line items on the kill list, and Tyler Gilsdorf is always using Facebook to fly his "KILL-LIST" banner loud and proud:
Photo courtesy of Bobby "can't earn his way off the kill list" Stenson.
Kicking in doors and killing everything in the room that lives or breathes; a classic pairing. On their own, either one would sort of fall flat. When paired together they make something really special.
Some pairings just work together, like whiskey and coke, Turner and Hooch, or human skulls and pneumatic robot pincers. Finding these pairings can take time, precious time. Time that your human race has less and less of every day as the robot apocalypse nears.
Fortunately, Theo from Allout Productions has done the legwork to find one pairing that always goes down smooth: Black Sabbath and Luke Strobel's riding.
So turn off that crappy electronica BS, turn up some classic stoner metal and watch Luke rip some of the funnest trails in the world (Bromont) in one of the least funnest parts of the world (French Canuckistan/Quebexico):
For those of you who haven't checked out my Diamondback teammates website, you really should sometime. Kyle does regular race reports, and has a couple good stories up there about our recent races at Angel Fire, Skibowl, and Silver. There are stories about victory, defeat, and the adversity that racers have to overcome at every race. Stories range from the humorous (racing to down our bottles of victory champagne on the podium), to the painful (Kyle tearing something I can neither spell or pronounce in his shoulder during his quali run at Skibowl), to the downright bizarre (hitting a deer and an elk on our drive to angelfire).
Kyle is well-written, his blog is full of pictures that move his stories along, and he is always respectful. He really is the consummate professional athlete, and his writing demonstrates this. He's written a lot of kind things about me on his blog, even before we were teammates. He is everything a sponsor could hope for in a rider, and he has been an excellent representative for the brands for whom he rides, brands like Diamondback, Gravity, Chris King, Shimano, Fox Racing Shox, Kenda, and more brands that I could shamelessly plug that I'm also sponsored by. It goes a long way to show what it takes to be successful in this sport. If professionalism, excellence, and sportsmanship are things you value, you definitely want to check out Kyle's blog.
If you're anything like me, and things like that make you feel uncomfortable, inadequate, or otherwise bore the shit out of you, I recommend sticking with Team Robot.
"I smile now, but I die a little on the inside every day." -Kyle Thomas
This picture of Mitch Ropelato from the recent US GP at Highland is why you are slow and Mitch is fast:
He's a better bike rider than you.
This video also helps explain why he's faster than you, but listening to this 15 minute video takes a lot longer than reading my seven word explanation, as featured above. Reading this guys book takes waaaaaay longer.
I've had a downhill trail out in the woods by Lewis and Clark College for a while now, in the same woods as the dirt jump trails. It's been my go to training trail, and it's only a 10 minute drive from my house. It's 400 vertical feet and nothing mind blowing, but it's pretty rad to be able to ride whenever I want, without having to drive an hour and a half out to the real trails.
I kept it secret for a long time, because we built it on private land, and that's sort of illegal. It' called "criminal trespassing" and "vandalism" I think. Anyway, the City of Portland bought the land recently, and made the trail legal. They sort of plowed our dirt jumps in the process, but that's another story. So now I don't have to keep the downhill trail secret anymore.
Lo and behold, I found out that someone put a Strava race segment in the woods. In current pole position is one Grant Ellman, a high school junior who is going to have his world rocked when I find someone who has an I-phone that I can borrow and I blow his time out of the water. Beating high schoolers that don't even race is sort of what keeps me going, and what helps me get up every morning.
It's important to note that my trail is to the left of this trail, thus the trail pictured is called the "right trail." As you can see, the right trail pretty much goes straight down the fall line.We tried to get a little more creative when we built ours.
While beating riders that are younger and less experienced than me is a hope, m real dream is that I can die while trying to win the Strava race and my family can sue Strava and make millions off a free app that has little to no revenue. I also bought a Garmin so I can sue them, too, and Garmin actually has money.
Rhetorical Question #1: This one almost doesn't bear asking, because it's so obvious, but is our country really so crappy and are people so lame that they sue a race promoter for encouraging competition? Really?
Rhetorical Question #2: If
your family can sue Strava for your death as you compete to win a
Strava race segment, than doesn't it also logically follow that you can
sue all the people that beat you? Aren't they driving you to compete just
as much as Strava?
Rhetorical Question #3: Charlie, are you really so competitive, immature, and petty that you're looking forward to crushing some random 17 year old's time on your personal trail that you built?
If you type "moral of the story" into google image search, this comes up. No, I don't know why either. Don't ask questions, just drink it in and be thankful that google blessed us with this modern-day Mona Lisa.
Moral of the story #1: You never want to win a Strava segment, or else you are legally exposed. Every bit as exposed as Strava, anyway. So throw the game. Take a dive. Let the other guy win. If you win, you could be sued.
Moral of the story #2: Absolutely, I am every bit that petty. I will crush that poor boys time.
Moral of the story #3: If winning a Strava segment makes you legally exposed to lawsuits, and losing Strava segments makes you legally safe, then Bob Stenson has no reason to fear being sued.
Moral of the story #4: If crashing and killing yourself while racing your bike gives your family a cause of action to sue race promoters, then Bob Stenson's family is sitting on a gold mine waiting to happen.
Moral of the story #5: five morals is way too many for one story.
