Congratulations Dan Atherton

"The 4th annual Asia Pacific Challenge took place a couple of weeks ago in Bandung, Indonesia and Dan Atherton (GBR/GT Bicycles) proved that he can still race a downhill bike. Atherton pedalled his way to victory ahead of teammate Marc Beaumont and American Specialized rider Mitch Ropelato in third."

-Photo and text by Fraser Britton



This is the best thing I've seen in months. After a long recovery and a slow fade away from racing downhill, winning a race out of nowhere is pretty badass. Downhill is freaking hard, and Marc and Mitch are not slow, so way to go Dan. Sure, this is just a random festival race, and who knows what this "means" for the 2013 race season. I'm not trying to do race predictions here, I just know that if I was Dan I would be pretty freakin pumped on this.


Plus, now that you have something to smile about, maybe you can try smiling in, like, any of your pictures:

Text stolen from this article:
http://www.pinkbike.com/news/Specialized-Asia-Pacific-Challenge-2012.html


All photos stolen from Google Image search. Probably 90% of those images are from Sven Martin.

Do not kill list

Follow the link, you won't be sorry

http://www.inhabitots.com/man-living-entirely-off-his-wifes-breast-milk/

This is the sort of out of the box thinking that earns you a coveted spot on the DO NOT KILL LIST, and exemplifies a lifestyle I like to call "the Gary Busey Program."

Self sufficient. Off the grid. Untrackable. When the robots come to make soup bowls out of your loved ones skulls, breast milk guy will still be doing his thing in the woods, away from the mechanized destruction of everything you hold dear, nourished by thousands of calories of pure, untrackable energy.

"I am really enjoying the milk now and am always surprised how each glass tastes different.”

Bottoms up, breast milk guy. TEAM ROBOT salutes you and every one of those warm, creamy glasses of victory.

The Legend of Lacava: Part II

Some call him LaStrava. Some call him the Golden Boner.

There are many names for him, BUT THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE:

It was one year ago that TEAM ROBOT presented you with the first installment of "The Legend of Lacava," based on the crazy mind blowing shit that Paul puts on his facebook page on a regular basis with a straight face.

The first post went up in January of 2012, and we were hoping to put another post up in the next couple months. Unfortunately, the well spring went largely dry, and the level of unbelievable shit coming out of the Legend dropped off precipitously. Maybe he got a girlfriend. Maybe he got his ass kicked. Maybe he finally figured out how to chill out like the rest of us. It seemed that the Legend had passed...

Until winter rolled in. With the changing weather came an exciting trend in social media world: THE LEGEND HAD RETURNED


Nov 9:
New mud tires, embro, perfect fall colors, and mud. After a two week sabbatical from racing, and a week of hard training, a.k.a. chasing supreme mountain bike conditions, followed by good rest, this weekend is back to the single minded obsession of hopping barriers and racing skinny tires around in the mud between the tape.... And the legs feel fresh!

Nov 16:
Despite a serious addition to [typo. should read: exaggerated affinity for] this beer, somehow managed to finally get down to fighting weight this week with some heavy training. Should be a good weekend between the tape.....peak fitness for the year is here and now!

Nov 18:
#s pinned on. Embro, on. Tire pressure: low. Trainer warm up: on that. Slept in till 10am, yep. Beer in the cooler. Check. Time for the hardest hour in cycling. Its go time!

Nov 26:
Dang legs barely move today. Must be something to do with two days of trail running and then a 40 mile beer drinking jaunt in the woods yesterday.

Nov 27:
Just swam 1,500 meters in 35 minutes. Last best was 45 minutes! Not fast, but no longer a slow drowning either. Surf trip to Cali may have to happen soon....


Nov 28:
Didn't buy no lottery ticket because i dont believe in luck. Just good ol fashioned work your ass off and meet it with opportunity and the right timing. Not leaving much to chance here!

Dec 1:
Buzzing trees, laying it over, and flying by course stakes and tape has taken a toll on the kit. Ducttape fixes everything...

Dec 4:
Intervals. Run. Eat. Sleep. Work. Eat. Drive. Pain. Pushups. Eye of the tiger. Laundry. Regluing tubulars. Suffering. Ride. 'cross aint over till it's over. Best races of my life in 4 days....it's go time....


Any one of those would make an incredible t-shirt. I would buy one in a heartbeat:

Paul Lacava:

 I don't believe in luck.

Paul Lacava:

Peak fitness for the year is here and now

Paul Lacava:

Intervals. Run. Eat. Sleep. Work. Eat. Drive. Pain. Pushups. Eye of the tiger. 

It's go time.

And the obsession with Embro? Do you know anyone else on the planet that refers to it as embro? Do you know anyone else who would brag publicly about their Embro?

NO YOU DON'T. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!

Brands on riding kit? Many. 
Sponsors? None.

Sure there are lots of plain black skinsuits available for cross, but who's gonna photograph someone wearing a black skinsuit?

Lee Gilmore at Cross Crusade, by Mike Albright. Photo of the Month on Pinkbike, 29890 views.

And no Paul, if you work there, that doesn't count as a "sponsorship."

So why the sudden return of the Legend? It was a stunning trend, and one that demanded an answer.

Thanks to the new Timeline feature on Facebook (Thanks MZ!) I could scroll unfettered through Paul's Old Unbelievable Shit (OUBS) from the past year. Organizing and classifying his 2012 OUBS, and cross-referencing it against his Strava records for 2012, I was able to graph the relationship between Paul's riding and his shit talking. The results were telling, confirming my hypothesis and the data that had been observed through anecdotal evidence:

In general, the results were very encouraging: Based on my numbers from 2012, we should be able to anticipate a continuing output of unbelievable shit (UBS) from Paul at or above the current level for the next 4 months, until the spring and summer riding seasons kick in and put Paul's epic philosophizing back into it's summer hibernation cycle.

As an added bonus, the Predicted Level of Unbelievable Shit (PLUS) is at it's lowest level in the months when others are most likely to be riding with him (June, July, etc). This means that most people will not have to suffer through peak-season Paul UBS. However, this data is not encouraging for LBS workers, as Paul is a sales rep for a major bike company and does most of his work during the winter months. Keep your chin up and stay strong, guys.

A quick qualification of our data source:

We are fairly confident in our mileage numbers, but they are still subject to some error. All of TEAM ROBOT's anonymous sources have confirmed that Paul does, in fact, Strava every single ride, even short trips down to 7-11 to buy beer (training is training, right?), so that suggests that the numbers are not underrepresenting the Legend's actual ride time.

The only source of error we suspect in our data is that in the days and weeks leading up to casual, recreational races that are supposed to be fun for everyone, sources indicate that Paul will often peel off early from the ride to "keep the legs fresh for my big race, bros," but still toss his iPhone in a friends backpack so he can look like he finished the ride on Strava. We cannot account for or correct error stemming from this cause, but we estimate amounts to less than 70 miles of bitched out fake miles per week.

Dialed/Sketchy/Old News

Dialed:

Home garage of the guy who sent me that eagle/duck/America picture in the last post, Luc "Acadian" Albert.

Nice home shop, Luc, but with a nickname that sounds that much like "Canadian," you'd better get comfy on the KILL LIST with everyone else.




Sketchy:

http://www.light-bicycle.com/wider-carbon-26er-bicycle-wheels-mountain-bike-downhill-wheels.html

"Hello Jean-Luc,

It is my pleasure to know you here...

It is ok to to make 650b rims and 26″ wide rims in stronger version. We can add some more carbon fiber to improve the strength for you. The production weight for 650b wide rim is 375g+/-15, stronger version is around 400g/pcs The production weight for 26er wide rim is 365+/-15, stronger version weight is around 400g/pcs

Is it ok for you? If yes, we can make invoice for you.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/light-bicycle/sets/72157631704846817/detail/

Thanks, Light-bicycle"

Buying Carbon rims from Light Bicycle is like responding to this Craigslist personal listing: Only for the brave.

Old News:

First of all, make sure to skip past all the talking. It goes on for three whole minutes, which in internet time might as well be eternity. "Blah blah blah it was so cool we found a bowl to ride it was so amazing because we've never seen a bowl before blah blah blah."

Guess what? Not impressed. So they find some random bowl in BFE Portugal (which, to my understanding, is all of Portugal), and we're supposed to just drop everything and lose our minds as if they just discovered the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail or some other item of conquest featured prominently in an Indiana Jones movie. Not gonna happen.

And what do we get in terms of riding? Straight airs. I stuck in there and watched the whole five minutes because it's Ruben, and I felt like I owed him that, but in the end I felt like I got robbed. I don't watch five minutes of video to see straight airs; after the one minute mark I need roost or explosions or chicks mud wrestling or someone dying else I'm turning that shit off like a domestic auto brand production line in the 80's.

To me, that bowl was old news. Aaron and I already played that level in Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX on the playstation at his mom's house when I was, like, 15 or something. Plus Aaron was cranking quadruple Saran-Wraps 30 feet above coping, so Ruben's straight airs fall a little flat.

If you look hard you can find the Ruben bowl back there, right behind the endless rail, the water slides, and the High School parking lot level

Trying to pass that old news as some huge mind blowing discovery? Pretty weak, Fox Head. And while we're on the topic, here's something else that's bugged me for a while: why is your company called Fox Head in the first place? I get that there are probably lots of other companies named Fox, but in my minds eye adding "Head" onto the end does not add a whole lot of clarity. Trying to figure out what "Fox Head" is, and the best I can figure is it's what this guy gets from the misses after returning home from another harsh tour of duty:

WARNING! from TEAM ROBOT

If you haven't seen this yet

It's life changing:



Sometimes, mere mortals, the gods smile upon you. Today is one of those days.

Watch at least a minute and a half and you will understand why TEAM ROBOT allows these humans to steal our name and not be immediately destroyed. They are on the same wavelength for sure. At 1:21, they even used the same font as us.

It's not quite White Stallion good, but it's definitely on the way.



We're in the final month of the year, so here are the 2012 TEAM ROBOT video of the year rankings as they stand right now:

From the desk of some genius named "Anonymous"

This gem of a question comes to us from the comment section of the last article, "From the desk of Ben Furbee:"

"does steve peat not use "ett"?
http://fiveten.com/images/stories/jreviews/11128_peat05_1302030505.jpg
i thought leaning your bike to the side engaged the side knobs on your tire creating more grip. explain"

This brings me to an important point: if you're going to leave comments on TEAM ROBOT, don't do it as "anonymous." At least have the decency to invent some stupid pseudonym so I can try to guess who you are. It's funner for everyone involved, and as a bonus it makes you look like less of a internet coward. And I know a thing or two about cowardess on the internet, after all I invented a fake online persona so I can make fun of people I never met. You're welcome.


Back to Sheffield's riding: a lot of people would point to Steve's body position, or side knob engagement, or perhaps they might look at where his center of mass is as a way to answer this question. But I'll give you a quick test to see if you're using Exaggerated Turning Technique (ETT) or Actual Turning Technique (ATT):

Question 1: Do you have these five colors all over your bike?

Question 2: Did someone else pay you to have these five colors all over your bike?


If you answered yes to both these questions, you're probably a world champion, and you're probably using ATT.

I hope this has been clarifying for everyone.

From the Desk of Ben Furbee

From Ben, picture included:

"Enduro racing. Proving bad cornering techniques don't matter if you can pedal faster than a chipmunk on crack."

Okay, so I have to agree, that's some terrible ETT there. And yes, those his and hers matching outfits/backpacks are unforgivable. But lets be totally clear about enduro.:

Anyone who thinks that enduro only rewards pedaling is crazy. Enduro guys are phenomenal bike riders, and I don't discount any of them. I've gotten my ass handed to me by enough of them climbing and descending to know that they are the real deal. Sure, I hate enduro too, but that's only because I know I'll suck at it. A few thoughts:

1. Being able to race 20 corners that you've hiked and practiced 8 times and memorizing 2-4 minutes of track is a TOTALLY DIFFERENT SKILL than practicing something between 0 and 2 times and freeballing down 20-40 minutes of track.

2. Pedaling helps, sure, but there's a big difference between A) being a horrible bike rider and making up time on the pedaling sections, and B) being a super fit rider and feeling fresh during 20-40 minutes of pinned-fully-wide-open shredding. Being fit means you can hold the throttle open in terms of pedaling AND riding.

3. French people suck.

4. If pedaling was the only factor, 29ers would be winning every race ever. They aren't.

5. Your hair looks dumb:

You're not the Fonz. Case closed.

Kill List: your school

My brother who's going to Portland State sent me this text message yesterday:

There's a tent event on campus: Organic Yerba Mate. And they have a guy playing a didgeridoo and beat-boxing. I really hate this place sometimes.

Fast forward to my day here at Lewis and Clark:

Just looked out the library window and discovered that the school ukelele club is putting on a little performance on the steps of the commons. They're all dressed in flannels and super cute matching beanies and swaying and singing along to their shitty songs. Thankfully I am guarded from this unholy cacophony by the wall of sound-proofed windows I'm watching through.
The 100 or so person crowd that's formed is a veritable who's who of all the people that I've never talked to, but still viciously hate based entirely on their appearance. Most of my least favorite people are in the audience, and the audience just started clapping along. At this point, all of my suspicions have been thoroughly confirmed.


You know who gets to use Ukeleles? Fucking Elvis does. Elvis can play ukelele until my ear drums bleed, because he is the fucking king and he can do whatever he wants. There's only one king, and he is not you.

So unless your name is Zombie Elvis and your overweight ass rose from the grave to haunt us with songs off the Aloha from Hawaii album, you either need to put that shit down, or prepare to eat a hand grenade courtesy of TEAM ROBOT.

As for you Digereedoo-playing PSU Yerba Mate guy, let's take a quick look at your qualifications to play that traditional Aboriginal tribal instrument. Just for the record, I've never seen didgeridoo guy, but I'm about 99% sure I've got a lock on didgeridoo guy's program. Let's review:

White? Check.
Dreads? Check.
Toms? Check.
Kucinich, Coexist, and "Keep Portland Weird" bumper stickers on your didgeridoo case? Check.
Decided to hate your rich parents at age 15? Check.
Only time in Australia was on a family vacation with your rich parents when you were 11? Check.
Didgeridoos are "really spiritual" for you? Check.
You talk a lot about "going back to the roots" but you have no clue what that actually means? Check.



Yeah, I'd say you are a perfect candidate for co-opting someone else's culture in order to make yourself feel worldly and hip. As a side benefit, your "music," like that of the ukelele team, will help guide TEAM ROBOT's league of killbots to your exact location when the mechanized apocalypse comes to Portland.