A little advice

Today I was reading about the Scott Genius 720 on pinkbike. This is a bike that I couldn't care less about- a longish travel trail bike with 10 million cables and hoses, long stem, 650b, no dropper post, triple crank, etc, so knowing that I didn't care about the bike or review, I skipped ahead to the comments section to see what kernels of wisdom the enlightened internerds were sharing.

The first commment, from another random Pinkbike user, captured the general sentiment of the review in this glowingly positive litte summary:

So it's not plush, despite the bigger wheels smoothing things out. It's also not poppy or playful despite its firm ride. And it feels like it's not using all its travel despite regularly using the full 150mm. It's also heavy for a carbon trail bike. Sounds like a fun ride....not. It isn't what id buy for my next bike but I'm sure that pinkbike just saved somebody somewhere some money!


So that was that, I thought, until scrolling down I saw the reviewer, Pinkbike's Mike Kazimer, step in the fray to break down his review and shed a little more light on why he found the performance of the Genius lacking:


Part of the problem is the Fox 34 forks are pigs... they're 4 1/2 pounds for what Rockshox manages to do for less weight and with better performance, and the Scott rear shocks have historically been valved firmer. For next season (2014) Fox has announced a 140mm travel 650B fork built around the 32mm stanchion platform. It got reviewed on mtbr yesterday. They basically cut a pound out of the fork weight compared to what they offered this year.



"Part of the problem is the Fox 34 forks are pigs." That's the problem? The whole gestalt of the bike was thrown off by having a fork that was 180 grams heavier than what you're used to? That's what ruined it for you?

Well, you could drop $1100 and get the Rockshox fork you're so interested in, and save that 180 grams, and maybe that will be the magic bullet that transforms the Scott from hate to great, but Dr. Chopper has another prescription:



I have no idea if Mike is correct and the Rockshox equivalent fork is lighter, and I definitely made up the 180 grams number because I have no idea what the weights of 650b trail forks are, but here's what I do know: I don't care. I can count all the shits I give on zero fingers whether this fork weighs two grams  or two hundred grams more than that fork.

Humans, this is what happens when your reviewer weighs 130 pounds soaking wet. This is why we can't have nice things.

Eat some protein powder and put on at least 30 pounds and then we'll talk. If you don't tear phonebooks in half and look like Rennie than your reviews are meaningless to me.

I don't know this Mike Kazimer guy, and I don't pretend to know whether he's actually wigged out by an extra couple ounces of suspension performance, but just in case we read that review correctly and the Fox's weight is a big deal breaker, here's a great antidote for the Scott's perceived weight problem:

TEAM ROBOT's quick guide to not being a pussy on your XC bike:

• If you have a front derailleur, you're already out. If you leave it on your bike, your Dad will tell family friends that you were adopted to protect the family from your disgrace. If you can't turn a real gear up hills than you can practice something easy like walking until you're ready.
• Shuttles are for downhill bikes. If it's an uphill bike and you're riding uphill in a car, you're doing it wrong.
• Anything under 35 pounds is an XC bike. That's right, if you got one of the new all carbon V-10's and you're at 34 pounds, dual crown or not, you'd better have a QR seat clamp and a lot of extra post, because you're not shuttling that thing if you want to keep your pair. Call it cross training for race season.

Check the seat height. Greg knows what's up.

• Proper XC upper body attire: a t-shirt. And no, a "technical t-shirt" is not a thing, that's just an overpriced t-shirt for pussies.
• Don't weigh your bike. No, seriously, ever. If you're trying to figure out how rule number three and this rule can coexist, you're being a pussy, so stop thinking about it.
• Knee pads on an XC ride? I guess you're one of those "douse everything in purell and always get your eight hours" kind of people. Do you wear football pads when you walk the dog? Please. Same rules apply for full face helmets; little bikes = no. That said, Leatt braces are always a good idea, you can never be too careful.

• If you pedaled uphill at any point during the day, it's an XC ride, so consult the above knee pad/full face rule. When in doubt, consult Mick Hannah circa 2004. 
• Foam grips mean that you're more George Michael than George W. Congratulations, by installing foam grips you just saved the same weight as the smallest dump you've ever taken.

• If your biggest cassette cog is bigger than your chainring, you're probably already racing in the women's class. If you're not racing in the women's class, that could be a great way to finally get that top ten finish you've always wanted.

If you have any questions about pulling your skirt up and riding your bike like a big boy, just ask these guys, cause they've got the formula figured out:

No excuses.