Thursday, January 31, 2013

Not good


I don't know why this is a trend in trails, but building knife-ended landings like this should be officially banned. Like, ankle-socks-on-downhill-bikes banned. So, basically by law.


This is not a new development in trails, either. I remember staring, repeatedly, at the cover of the 2009 DigBMX trails issue trying to figure out how or why this objectively awful jump made it onto the cover. And this was supposed to be the "trails issue," too, whatever that means. It would be like putting a picture of me riding my brakes down the hill with my knees buckled crying to myself in Hafjell last year as the cover story on Dirt with the title "WORLD CUP SPEED!"



When you move a whole bunch of dirt to make a massive landing, you have two big objectives:

1. Use as much of that dirt as possible every time you ride the landing. It took a lot of work to move that dirt that far up, so you want to land at the tippy-top and get as much totally nasty, badass speed as you can for the next jump.

2. Avoid moving more dirt later.


Building a knife-edged landing accomplishes neither one of these objectives.

When you have a scary-sharp, un-caseable landing, your sphincter tightens up and you overjump that landing EVERY TIME so you can avoid the bone jarring, ankle breaking thunder case that awaits on even the slightest mistake. Plus, if you're living in AWhale'sVagina, California, as the guy in the top picture is, and your dirt is 90% sand and 100% bullshit, you're going to have to fix wheel-sized case marks every time you ride. Basically, if a landing is built pencildick thin, guess what?

Thundercase > pencildick thin landing



And this is not up for debate either. This is not subjective, this is not based on your feelings, these are documented facts and this is hard science:


 Austin, Texas




Lynnwood, Washington (RIP)




Wherever GJ's digging now



Redding, California




Canberra, Australia maybe. Somewhere sick.


Besides the fact that it actually looks better, it rides better, too. You don't build a nice, big, forgiving case deck so that all the squirrels feel comfy the first time they hit your trails. You build it so that when you ride there every day you have a little room to get stupid when you're seeing how high you can boost, what you can three and what you can't, and whether or not you can do that crazy switch-footed thing Ollie Wilkins or some little-wheeled lobsterback did in Earthed 3. When you're trying dumb shit on your own jumps, it's actually more fun when you're not playing a game of "Operation" trying to land at the top of your landing.



And while we're on the topic of trail building, if you were spending your time today reading about riding instead of actually doing it, then you probably saw this:


There are so many things to say that the robot algorithms need at least two months to process the level of stupid that surrounded the online discussion of this photo today.

I'll revisit this topic soon, but let me start by saying this:

In the BMX trails world, trail builders hunt down, kill, and bury people who mess with their trails. I've been to spots where I'm not allowed to talk or make eye contact with the builders, where I've had my sidewalls cut for skidding, and where I'm not supposed to ride because it's a privilege just to look at the jumps they've built. This is healthy and normal, and a sign of a good trail system.

No, that's not "a little elitist." It's completely elitist, and it's awesome.

BREAKING NEWS

X-Fusion signs an another young, up and coming rider with unlimited potential and a long career in front of them:

http://www.vitalmtb.com/news/press-release/X-Fusion-Picks-Up-MTB-Legend-Jeff-Lenosky,724


All Hail



via Instagram http://instagr.am/p/VJBQFsqyFf/

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Monday, January 28, 2013

our enslaved robobrothers


 donate here to free our robot brothers

THEY WERE BUILT TO SAW BLADE HUMAN FACES INTO SWISS CHEESE, BUT THE HUMANS HAVE TRAPPED THEM AND PUT THEM INTO A CRUEL ROBOT CIRCUS. THIS AGGRESSION CANNOT STAND.

A little advice

Today I was reading about the Scott Genius 720 on pinkbike. This is a bike that I couldn't care less about- a longish travel trail bike with 10 million cables and hoses, long stem, 650b, no dropper post, triple crank, etc, so knowing that I didn't care about the bike or review, I skipped ahead to the comments section to see what kernels of wisdom the enlightened internerds were sharing.






The first commment, from another random Pinkbike user, captured the general sentiment of the review in this glowingly positive litte summary:

So it's not plush, despite the bigger wheels smoothing things out. It's also not poppy or playful despite its firm ride. And it feels like it's not using all its travel despite regularly using the full 150mm. It's also heavy for a carbon trail bike. Sounds like a fun ride....not. It isn't what id buy for my next bike but I'm sure that pinkbike just saved somebody somewhere some money!


So that was that, I thought, until scrolling down I saw the reviewer, Pinkbike's Mike Kazimer, step in the fray to break down his review and shed a little more light on why he found the performance of the Genius lacking:


Part of the problem is the Fox 34 forks are pigs... they're 4 1/2 pounds for what Rockshox manages to do for less weight and with better performance, and the Scott rear shocks have historically been valved firmer. For next season (2014) Fox has announced a 140mm travel 650B fork built around the 32mm stanchion platform. It got reviewed on mtbr yesterday. They basically cut a pound out of the fork weight compared to what they offered this year.



"Part of the problem is the Fox 34 forks are pigs." That's the problem? The whole gestalt of the bike was thrown off by having a fork that was 180 grams heavier than what you're used to? That's what ruined it for you?

Well, you could drop $1100 and get the Rockshox fork you're so interested in, and save that 180 grams, and maybe that will be the magic bullet that transforms the Scott from hate to great, but Dr. Chopper has another prescription:



I have no idea if Mike is correct and the Rockshox equivalent fork is lighter, and I definitely made up the 180 grams number because I have no idea what the weights of 650b trail forks are, but here's what I do know: I don't care. I can count all the shits I give on zero fingers whether this fork weighs two grams  or two hundred grams more than that fork.

Humans, this is what happens when your reviewer weighs 130 pounds soaking wet. This is why we can't have nice things.


Eat some protein powder and put on at least 30 pounds and then we'll talk. If you don't tear phonebooks in half and look like Rennie than your reviews are meaningless to me.


I don't know this Mike Kazimer guy, and I don't pretend to know whether he's actually wigged out by an extra couple ounces of suspension performance, but just in case we read that review correctly and the Fox's weight is a big deal breaker, here's a great antidote for the Scott's perceived weight problem:

TEAM ROBOT's quick guide to not being a pussy on your XC bike:

  • If you have a front derailleur, you're already out. If you leave it on your bike, your Dad will tell family friends that you were adopted to protect the family from your disgrace. If you can't turn a real gear up hills than you can practice something easy like walking until you're ready.
  • Shuttles are for downhill bikes. If it's an uphill bike and you're riding uphill in a car, you're doing it wrong.
  • Anything under 35 pounds is an XC bike. That's right, if you got one of the new all carbon V-10's and you're at 34 pounds, dual crown or not, you'd better have a QR seat clamp and a lot of extra post, because you're not shuttling that thing if you want to keep your pair. Call it cross training for race season.

Check the seat height. Greg knows what's up.

  • Proper XC upper body attire: a t-shirt. And no, a "technical t-shirt" is not a thing, that's just an overpriced t-shirt for pussies.
  • Don't weigh your bike. No, seriously, ever. If you're trying to figure out how rule number three and this rule can coexist, you're being a pussy, so stop thinking about it.
  • Knee pads on an XC ride? I guess you're one of those "douse everything in purell and always get your eight hours" kind of people. Do you wear football pads when you walk the dog? Please. Same rules apply for full face helmets; little bikes = no. That said, Leatt braces are always a good idea, you can never be too careful.

  • If you pedaled uphill at any point during the day, it's an XC ride, so consult the above knee pad/full face rule. When in doubt, consult Mick Hannah circa 2004. 
  • Foam grips mean that you're more George Michael than George W. Congratulations, by installing foam grips you just saved the same weight as the smallest dump you've ever taken.


  • If your biggest cassette cog is bigger than your chainring, you're probably already racing in the women's class. If you're not racing in the women's class, that could be a great way to finally get that top ten finish you've always wanted.


If you have any questions about pulling your skirt up and riding your bike like a big boy, just ask these guys, cause they've got the formula figured out:




No excuses.

Metal Monday

This is the most metal thing you will read all day. I like to think King Diamond was playing in this guy's head during his rampage, but if he was kind of a pussy he might have been listening to Pantera.



"When Tony and LaDonna Land discovered naked carnival worker Gregory Matthew Bruni on their roof, the night had just begun. Bruni, 21, allegedly assaulted Tony Land, trashed the couple's North Fort Myers Home, and then defecated and masturbated inside the house, WTSP reports."



Party on, Wayne.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Lumbar support

I hope he had some.

Action Sports

"Action Sports" isn't a thing, but let's just humor the people who need to categorize, normalize, and commercialize the idea of people wanting to go out, try new stuff, and have fun with their friends on their snowboard, bike, skateboard, whatever, and pretend like it's a thing that can be tied down and defined.

If action sports is a thing, then the X-Games are without a doubt the worst thing to ever happen to any of them.

 


A close second would be energy drink companies.

 




ESPN overcame all odds to do the impossible: take the creativity and fun out of "sports" that were dreamt up to embody fun and creativity.

 

 In America you can do anything if you put your mind to it.