Friday, July 29, 2011

Can you believe we used to race on 888's, Hayes brakes and Intense Tires?

Best ever.

Sure, read the post about Brian Lopes below, but just make sure you watch the Crankworx Slalom video again. Watch until at least 2:05 to view the best beer bong in the country in the world. We are seriously considering inducting Bob as the newest member of Team Robot.

Serious Team Robot material. Bob is definitely gunning for World Champion Superfan status.

Team Robot:: Best in the country in the world

Quick dialogue from this video from Crankworx Slalom:

Announcer Brett Tippie to DBBL55 (Douche Bag Brian Lopes 55)

"So Brian, how do you feel about this contest?"


"Well first of all, Brett, this is not a contest. This is a race."

Well DBBL55, here's what my buddies Merriam and Webster had to say about your little english lesson up at Crankworx:

noun \ˈkän-ˌtest\
Definition of CONTEST
1: a struggle for superiority or victory : competition
2: a competition in which each contestant performs without direct contact with or interference from competitors

Well now, I'm not exactly a genius, but I tend to think when two people in separate lanes race each other head to head from a fixed start line to a fixed finish line to determine the victor, that's pretty much a contest.

See DBBL, the thing is, it's a bike race AND it's a contest. It can actually be both. See, DBBL, not all contests are races, but all races are contests. It's kind of like squares and rectangles.

While it's true that not ALL rectangles are squares, it is also true that all squares are rectangles. I know, it can be hard to keep track of all these details.

Also, if you really want to be specific DBBL55, Crankworx Dual Slalom wasn't just a race. It was a bike race. Here's what Merriam and Wesbter had to say about that:

bike race
noun \ˈbīk\ \ˈrās\
Definition of BIKE RACE
1, A contest where a bunch of people come together to have fun and hang out. Typically, racing also occurs.
2. A contest that is totally less important and noteworthy than a real race like Lemans, the Kentucky Derby, or even NASCAR.
3. A contest where none of the participants will ever be well known by the general public or make significant money unless their name is Lance Armstrong.
4. A contest where no one really gives a shit except the participants.

So, DBBL55, Dr. Robot recommends you take several doses of a very effective, experimental medicine that I have been recommending to many of my patients:

Just kidding, Dr. Robot only prescribes one orally-ingested medication to humans:

Fun tip: To do a killer Brian Lopes imitation, plug your nose and then talk about how you and Peaty go way back.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Things that suck and things that don't

Things that suck:

1. Richard Cunningham. RC sucked as editor of MBA, and he transitioned from that experience into sucking as a Tech Editor at Pinkbike. No one writes worse articles at Pinkbike, including the scads of unpaid freeriders who contribute random web content. If you are a paid writer who writes worse than ACTUAL bike riders who can't even spell, you suck. He writes the same five articles over and over and over.

Actual RC Quote from Pinkbike's coverage of Giant's new "Overdrive" standard.

"I can't find anything morally or physically wrong about the Overdrive concept and it requires no special frame standard, so I'll take a wait-and see approach. A hell of a lot has changed on the basic mountain bike since I started making them in the 80's.... like everything... so I've had to gulp down a lot of "new standards."

See if you can spot the similarity between that quote, and this one:

"1001, 1002, 1003, Oh.. Mrs. Corningstone, I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout... Tuesday's arms and back. It's a deep burn. I don't know if you heard me counting, but I did over a thousand of them."

Oh, maybe you didn't notice I started a bike company a million years ago that flopped and no one remembers. I don't know how to say this, but I'm kind of a big deal because I consider myself a pioneer in mountain bike history. I'm even in the hall of fame. I invented the modern trail bike. I invented the term "black diamond riding." I was responsible for the only bike magazine worse than Dirt Rag.

2. This year's official Crankworx coverage:

It's the worst coverage of any event of all time ever. The video speaks for itself. I think the top half of Rach and Stevie's runs were actually filmed with webcams. I don't know whether I should refer to the two people holding microphones as narrators, washed up snowboarders, or as well-medicated Ambien users. The coverage was so bad, that I was excited when I found a video where I only had to listen to Brett Tippie. When you're a video commentator and you're worse than Brett Tippie, you really only have two options: Kill yourself.

3. You and your team.

Strikes against your team:

-You and your team haven't done a lot of winning lately. Here's an idea that might help you out of that slump: Don't be such a pussy.
-Our team is obviously kicking your team's ass at things such as bike riding, winning at life, and naming our team.
-You're currently reading our site. You clearly suck.

Things that don't suck:

1. Our team.

Team Robot just finished killing, maiming, and destroying at Schweitzer Mountain in Idaho this past weekend. It was a super fun weekend, super fun course, and my first ever pro win.

Taking first place by three seconds, winning $150, and having a great time all weekend all help to remind me why I love riding so much: to show how much better our team is than yours.

2. Everything else about Crankworx. I didn't go again, because I'm broke, but Crankworx is amazing. Pumptrack racing, Garbo DH, Slalom, and Whip World Championships? Awesome. This doesn't suck:

Graham Agassiz - Whip Off Worlds Best Whip Not Pulled Back - More Mountain Bike Videos

Neither does this:

Eliot Jackson - Whip Off Worlds Best Scrub Winner - More Mountain Bike Videos

This clearly doesn't suck:

Anthony Messere MEGA BLASTING at Crankworx - More Mountain Bike Videos

There is way more to love about Crankworx than there is to hate. But hating this guy is easy AND fun.

3. Mikey Sylvestri does not suck.

Beating Greg Minnaar, setting the all time Skibowl record three different times, and never training. Mikey kills it and has more fun than anyone else in the process. He is always the most fun person to watch on course. Pretty much, Mikey does the opposite of sucking (Abstinence?).

With his speed and potential, it's a crime that Mikey isn't racing World Cups.

4. Random old world cup footage you stumble across never sucks:

Rennie and Needles are pinned.

That is all. In the meantime, I will think of more things that suck.

Friday, July 22, 2011


4 pm Saturday, August 13

Hot Dogs
$10 per person goes into the general trail fund. Transition Bikes will be helping us stoke you out at this event, so $$$ goes straight into shovels, wheelbarrows, and the like.

This is a 2 month old photo, big official flyer coming soon. Right now I'm off to race Schwietzer, Idaho this weekend.

Get stoked and go ride your bike,

Monday, July 18, 2011

Metal Monday

San Francisco sucks

I spent the last week in San Fran. It was a super fun trip, and I really enjoyed the city. The weather was really nice, food was fantastic, and the city didn't feel "too big." For a Portland guy, it was a nice city to be in. That is, until I saw this 5 foot tall painting in a restaurant:

San Francisco, you are officially on the Kill List.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy Fourth

Paddy's Pumptrack, NE Portland.
12:30 AM, July 4th, 2011.
Good times, beer, fire, bikes and old friends. Pretty much ideal.

Best fourth of July in a while.