Monday, July 9, 2012


I've had a downhill trail out in the woods by Lewis and Clark College for a while now, in the same woods as the dirt jump trails. It's been my go to training trail, and it's only a 10 minute drive from my house. It's 400 vertical feet and nothing mind blowing, but it's pretty rad to be able to ride whenever I want, without having to drive an hour and a half out to the real trails.

I kept it secret for a long time, because we built it on private land, and that's sort of illegal. It' called "criminal trespassing" and "vandalism" I think. Anyway, the City of Portland bought the land recently, and made the trail legal. They sort of plowed our dirt jumps in the process, but that's another story. So now I don't have to keep the downhill trail secret anymore.

Lo and behold, I found out that someone put a Strava race segment in the woods. In current pole position is one Grant Ellman, a high school junior who is going to have his world rocked when I find someone who has an I-phone that I can borrow and I blow his time out of the water. Beating high schoolers that don't even race is sort of what keeps me going, and what helps me get up every morning.

It's important to note that my trail is to the left of this trail, thus the trail pictured is called the "right trail." As you can see, the right trail pretty much goes straight down the fall line.We tried to get a little more creative when we built ours.

While beating riders that are younger and less experienced than me is a hope, m real dream is that I can die while trying to win the Strava race and my family can sue Strava and make millions off a free app that has little to no revenue. I also bought a Garmin so I can sue them, too, and Garmin actually has money.

Strava lawsuit article on ABC News

Rhetorical Question #1: This one almost doesn't bear asking, because it's so obvious, but is our country really so crappy and are people so lame that they sue a race promoter for encouraging competition? Really?

Rhetorical Question #2: If your family can sue Strava for your death as you compete to win a Strava race segment, than doesn't it also logically follow that you can sue all the people that beat you? Aren't they driving you to compete just as much as Strava?

Rhetorical Question #3: Charlie, are you really so competitive, immature, and petty that you're looking forward to crushing some random 17 year old's time on your personal trail that you built?

If you type "moral of the story" into google image search, this comes up. No, I don't know why either. Don't ask questions, just drink it in and be thankful that google blessed us with this modern-day Mona Lisa.

Moral of the story #1: You never want to win a Strava segment, or else you are legally exposed. Every bit as exposed as Strava, anyway. So throw the game. Take a dive. Let the other guy win. If you win, you could be sued.

Moral of the story #2: Absolutely, I am every bit that petty. I will crush that poor boys time.

Moral of the story #3: If winning a Strava segment makes you legally exposed to lawsuits, and losing Strava segments makes you legally safe, then Bob Stenson has no reason to fear being sued.

Moral of the story #4: If crashing and killing yourself while racing your bike gives your family a cause of action to sue race promoters, then Bob Stenson's family is sitting on a gold mine waiting to happen.

Moral of the story #5: five morals is way too many for one story.


Anonymous said...

You can just go across the river to Meldrum Bar jumps...... They always have some shit talkin punk kids on BMX's over there you can challenge..............

And just in case their too good for you on the DJ, you can just point across the river and say:

"OK, I bet I can beat you racing down that hill over there, bitch"

Anonymous said...

Is the ending of the trail going to stay altered, slow, and lame or did you change it back to fast, unsafe and enjoyable?

Anonymous said...

Wow. Grant Ellman:

Wow. Andrew Turel: