Thursday, April 23, 2015

Gone Girl/Made Man

Sorry I've been gone for so long from the site. I've been doing fun things and riding my bike for the last week, so I haven't had the same hate-filled ramblings to pour out on you as usual. For the last week I've been genuinely happy and really thankful for my opportunities. Feeling blessed. This is also a great opportunity to thank my sponsors for supporting me and helping me to experience Sea Otter.

#blessed


No just kidding, Sea Otter was horrible, it was an industry dog and pony show that was somehow worse than usual, and I've been so busy wading through the seemingly endless sea of otter shit that I haven't had time for my true calling: complaining on the internet.

Unfortunately I'm still wading through the sea of otter shit, filing expense reports, sending follow up "great to see you" emails, and doing the last round of Sea Otter race report/begging for more #freeshitbro sponsor emails.

I don't have time to post anything new or original for the site, so humor me as I cash in on the IP of other people who did contribute original thoughts during the last week while I've been gone. At the Huffington Post they don't call this "stealing other people's material," they call it "content aggregating."




Best comments of the last week:



"I think you've forgotten one important reason for freeride flicking: it signifies ownership of a dank loam stash. How else is everyone going to know that you have made/found a trail with tons of dead leaves and shit on it if you don't spray it all over for the camera?"
-Lardass



"He doesn't claim to be fast nor does he challenge any racers to join the next hucking contest.

So probably not good at racing but pretty decent at hucking while little Sponsel sucks at both."
-Anonymous

True story.








"Gwin just peaked for the season."
-Anonymous








"Did you and nsmb discover what 'click bait' is at the exact same time?"
-duh

Yes.



"To watch the BUILDER premiere, bro.

My bro told me the way those dudes mined nugz in that movie is like... next level. Could you imagine just you, your bros, a 6 pack, a truck, and a trail dog named "schralp" out defining your own space in some epic zone? Cuz like, trails to me are like an artistic expression. You get to leave your stamp on nature with a shovel and then all that's left is surfing the epic brown pow in the golden hour. 

#partywave #blessed 

I have $20 that says the movie will be at least 78% b-roll and slow-mo."
-Adam

As for Adam's predictions on b-roll and slow-mo: yes and yes. The universe owes you $20.




"Because , even though you don't know it, you have become exactly what you made fun of years ago...... you charlie, are a corporate bitch. Swallow the gravy charlie, swallow the gravy."
-The Truth

It's funny cause it's true.



"To wear your new FSA windbreaker."
-Lazy Hemp


A lot of people are excited about me calling out and then beating Lopes at Downhill Domination. Well, beating is generous, destroying is more accurate. I was done about five minutes before he was, and I was so bored I helped coach him the rest of the way down Mount Middule. I all but T-Bag tantalized him.

But only Lazy Hemp picked up on the biggest victory here: my FSA windbreaker. That little detail will evade most people outside the industry, but people in the know will understand the massive and unspoken significance of that single article of clothing. A windbreaker means you've arrived as a genuine, bona fide corporate shill. They don't just give windbreakers away, you have to earn that stuff. T-shirts and hats are easy come, easy go. Socks are a dime a dozen.

Above those three staples of #freeshitbro apparel- t-shirts, hats, and socks- and you're getting into sponsor-suck-up Jedi Knight territory. Anyone who's tried to get a sweatshirt out of a company knows how hard it really is out there. A windbreaker? That sort of clothing freebie takes years and years of patient selling out. I've been on Gravity for years now, getting paid to ride no less, before I ever saw a windbreaker. It's only once you commit your riding, free time, integrity, and dignity for the next decade that you get something as big time as a windbreaker. A company isn't going to commit that level of apparel to a rider unless they own that rider for life. And by the way, it's not just a windbreaker, it's waterproof and breathable. That's like a unicorn, you don't see that sort of quality everyday in freebie swag. It's borderline mythical.

You know the scene in Goodfellas where Tommy's gonna be a made man, where the mob is bringing him in officially and he's gonna be one of the Goodfellas, but then when he goes into the meeting the guy comes from behind the door and blows his brains out and you know they're going to bury him in a building foundation somewhere in East Jersey, but instead of showing his corpse getting thrown into a car or concrete pour, Scorcese closes the shot with just the pool of blood silently pouring out from his popped watermelon of a skull?


It's like that, except instead of getting tricked and shot in the brain, I got what I exactly what I asked for: a windbreaker and business cards. And instead of dying I entered an eternal purgatory of talking to consumers and media people in the hot sun while skipping lunch and pretending to enjoy the conversation. And instead of blood pouring out of Tommy's skull, it's any hope I had of getting a fun ride in sometime in the next few days slowly and silently draining from my soul during Sea Otter.

Why else do you think I was wearing a windbreaker on an 80 degree day in California? I was that stoked. I'm bona fide industry now. I'm a made man. It's awesome.





And with that said, you should totally check out my recent @ridegravity van check on VitalMTB. #blessed


My Gravity logo placement makes Lopes look like an amateur. Approaching Nascar level. Need to get a photo incentive in my contract, because that one photo alone could keep gas in the Waambulance for a month.

13 comments:

ted said...

Thanks for ruining goodfellas. I was planning on watching it sometime in the next year or so.

Anonymous said...

I'm still in shock nsmb banned you

Anonymous said...

I hope Lopes will go back to racing the DH at sea otter next year, win it, and get revenge against you.

Your best ever race at sea otter sets you up for a big race in PA. This is a huge race for you, if you do well it could set you up for one of your season goals of making the World' s DH team selection. You can do it this is your home turf, just follow Gwin in practice.

Anonymous said...

Fucking jean shorts? Gheyist shit evah

Come on Charlie. All that bragging about a windbreaker and you finish with cut offs.

W...T.....F....

Why do you still let your mother dress you?

Anonymous said...

jorts are legit

Anonymous said...

jorts brahhhhhhhh

Donbe Spoilin said...

While you try to keep your coolness by kinda/sorta busting on yourself, your edge is gone and it's a sad day. Rest in peace Team Robot

TEAM.ROBOT said...

Thanks.

dozens, by the dozen said...

your edge is gone and it's a sad day

round two: charlie gets a $500 haircut and 2-hour makeup session with special emphasis on mascara-that-doesn't-seem-to-be-there

round three: charlie destroys this blog

round four: charlie destroys every internet handle, login/PW, etc he's ever used and begins writing pablum paste prose-ishness as Charles Sponsel, Professional Athlete and Motivational Speaker

Nelson said...

I like how the guy who uses google+ is giving a lecture on coolness. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle a fag.

Shut up said...

I got $300 jackets with SRAM stamped on em, son. FSA on a windbreaker is garbage.

Granted my zipper fell off after 6 weeks....

Anonymous said...

round five, charlie starts double parking

Valient Himself said...

You've sold your soul to the devil. You're freeride flicking your way through this fucked up industry.