Thursday, August 9, 2012

FAAG/Nerds get butthurt/Stevens Pass


Congratulations Neko, not only did you make it onto Brotocross, but you also are the current Fastest American After Gwin points leader. Here's your current FAAG top five, with their UCI points:

1. Neko "loves holding a smile for one or two seconds too long during a studio photo shoot" Mulally. 481 points

2. Luke "I look totally sober all the time" Strobel. 476 points

3. Eliot "Kevin why is your shirt off" Jackson. 347 points

4. Richie "also crashed on the hip at MSA but still didn't make Brotocross" Rude. 324 points

5. Mitch "actually stayed on his bike and qualified at Leogang last year and is clearly a way better bike rider than me" Ropelato. 275 points

The good news is that we still have a close race for the 2012 FAAG title, as Luke is only trailing Neko by five points. That gap is totally closeable, so Norway should be exciting to watch.


If you want to see someone get really hurt by comments made by really mean people on the internet, hear a bunch of sweet new neckbrace rumors that you can start spreading on the internet, and then watch people in lab coats pretend to do science, this video is right up your alley. Fortunately, this is the first in a series of videos that you can be sure will be reposted and made fun of on the bot.

By the way, angry Leatt video guy: watching those dummies with Leatt Braces get their necks jerked around in tests doesn't actually make me feel any safer about my Leatt. I'm sure the Leatt prevented those dummy necks from getting completely ripped off, but it still didn't exactly look like a shiatsu massage or a light neck stretch. Show me all the science you want, but your video actually caused me to rethink my whole choice to wear a neck brace, because this was the choice I was faced with after watching your real neck brace tests:

1. Wear a neck brace, and have my neck almost completely ripped off in a crash, but still be alive. Do not pass go, do not collect $100. Then spend the rest of my life playing wheelchair basketball for team Steven Hawkings.

Poor taste? Whatever, I hear he's a jerk in person. 


2. Don't wear a neck brace, and relax to the peaceful bliss of having your neck completely ripped off in the same crash, suffering no pain and slipping into instant death like a wooden canoe gliding into a calm, slow moving river.

Easy choice, right? Plus, once you're dead it's all clouds, harps, and Philadelphia Cream Cheese, anyway. I talked with Gwin, and he said that's exactly what heaven's like.

Clearly I'm not the only one coming to this logical, scientific, well thought out conclusion. But don't listen to me, listen to the people who used to race in Leatt Braces that don't anymore:

The FAAG, himself, Neko Mulally used to run a Leatt



Gee mostly used his Leatt to safely walk his bike down the hill after flatting with his failed tubeless system, but he still wore one.

Leov used to wear one

Steve wore one for a season


Even Neethling, who's from South Africa where they grow and harvest the Leatt Neck Brace trees (that's where they come from, it's science) has even tried racing without it.

PFunk been running a Leatt for four years now, and he didn't run it at Stevens Pass. I tend to trust PFunk's advice, too, because his usual results in Cat1 are really similar to my usual results in pro: buried.

Look, I'm still running mine, but I'm just saying... okay, I have no idea what I'm trying to say anymore.


Junior X phenom Kole Wetherell decided to show some respect for his elders at Stevens Pass and did a run the official Project 529 old-guy-on-the-team, Geo Smith. Geo is the man, and there's actually a decent chance he's faster than you. Not because he's that fast, really, just because you suck.

Luke won. Slayer played. American flags waved proudly. Beer was sprayed. It was rad. If you weren't there, you're bummed.

Bas van Steenbergen beat me again, so that sucks for me. Also, he could whip the hell out of the last jump. The one that I awkwardly straight aired. More talent + faster than me + 5 years younger = I'm totally washed up.

I was still in the money though, with a 10th place overall. I finished 9th in pro, but Bas bumped my overall result. Nice work, junior. You probably already saw this photo on Vital, but I'm not above blatant self-promotion:

"Team Robot finished in 10th place and took home 1/10th of the prize money as the winner. This is only fair seeing as Charlie claims to have exactly 1/10th the talent of Luke Strobel."
 Also note that I nailed check positioning to get my sponsors logo in there. Wannabe pros everywhere take note: companies don't just randomly hook up mediocre, mid-pack riders with inconsistent results like me. You've got to be out there working it for your sponsors. Yeah, you're welcome Diamondback.

Team Robot also sat down for an interview with Mitch Ropelato. Twenty minutes and eight pages of brilliant questions later, and we had the best thing you'll never hear. Our plan is to have the video online in the next week, but in Team Robot time that means you'll be eighty by the time we post the audio and your hearing won't work anymore, anyway.

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