Thursday, November 6, 2014

Everything you need in an MTB video

This should be Video of the Day on Pinkbike for the next week:

Forget Scott Secco's "Ten Easy Steps to get VOD" article, these are:

TEAM ROBOT's three easy steps to VOD:

Step ONE:

Build a sketchy ass jump. Big, small, it doesn't matter, just make sure there's a big hole in between the take off and landing and waaaaaaay more run up than necessary. Inadequate construction techniques on lip and landing are always a bonus.

Already gold. BFE Pennsylvania? Check. Airport length runway? Check. Is there a way-too-small lip that looks like it was built in ten minutes out of humus-duff-mor and misplaced hopes and dreams? That's a big check and check.

Foreshadowing, Part 1: there's already a sketchy log ride across this chasm of death, so we know these guys have low standards and even lower IQ's. You know this guy is doomed before he even enters the frame. The anticipation is killing me.

Foreshadowing, Part 2: bikes are like meth. Once you're hooked, you sell everything you have to get your next fix. Once you're done selling all your stuff, you sell yourself and make memories that no shower can clean off. Anyone who still has a Razor 4-wheeler clearly hasn't developed a full blown addiction yet, because when you need that new set of wheels or the new air downhill fork, that Razor is going to be on craigslist so fast you won't have time to say "sorry for selling that Razor you gave me, dad." It's obvious that these guys are joey's building stuff on dad's property, and I already know this isn't going to turn out well before I see frame 2.

Step TWO:
Convince your sketchiest BRO to hit the jump while you film. As for equipment, get a Handycam, an old GoPro, a flip phone, a calculator, get anything you can sort of film on, and then film your bro getting broke off. This is not the realm of Phantom Flex 10,000 FPS shots. The worse the quality is, the better.

This next part is important, and you have a stylistic choice to make: Coach them to go either way too fast, or way too slow. Either one is comedic gold, but the choice is yours.

Long, mellow run in on soft dirt and mud? Check. Stiff upper body frozen in anticipation and fear as he approaches the jump? Check. No thought of pedaling? Check. The timeless cues are all there, bro is not clearing this jump.

Don't be one of those soft milquetoast tea-sippers who looks back on gladiatorial combat in the Rome days and thinks "how could humans be so brutal? I would never watch people fight to the death." I know I would have been right there eating popcorn and watching the gladiators duke it out, and I know that because right now I'm glued to the edge of my seat waiting to see bro's end of life play out in front of me. You are too. We already know exactly what's going to happen before bro hits the lip, but just knowing what's going to happen is not going to cut it.

We don't want to just know whats going to happen. Right now we want to see this bro die.

Profit. In a few minutes you'll know whether your bro will ever be able to eat solid food again, but here's a helpful little secret: he's probably unconscious right now, and even if he isn't he's still living in his own personal world of pain right now and won't remember anything you do for the next three minutes. So unless he's doing the "wind knocked out of me" wheezing noise (you know, this one), stop recording and upload this oscar contender onto Pinkbike. Prepare yourself for 50-100 thousand views and that bigtime VOD cash to start rolling in.

With all that big VOD cash you can buy your friend a Rascal Scooter so he can still come hang out.

Ain't no party like a Rascal Scooter party.


Anonymous said...

Rookies.......what a ya gonna do, lol

Anonymous said...

kind of fucked up

ERU-DITE said...


Anonymous said...

Nigger is a noun in the English language. The word originated as a neutral term referring to black people,[1] as a variation of the Spanish/Portuguese noun negro, a descendant of the Latin adjective niger ("color black").[2] Often used disparagingly, by the mid 20th century, particularly in the United States, it suggested that its target is extremely unsophisticated. Its usage had become unambiguously pejorative, a common ethnic slur usually directed at blacks of Sub-Saharan African descent.

Etymology and history

Main article: Negro
The variants neger and negar, derive from the Spanish and Portuguese word negro (black), and from the now-pejorative French nègre (negro). Etymologically, negro, noir, nègre, and nigger ultimately derive from nigrum, the stem of the Latin niger (black) (pronounced [ˈniɡer] which, in every other grammatical case, grammatical gender, and grammatical number besides nominative masculine singular, is nigr-, the r is trilled).

In the Colonial America of 1619, John Rolfe used negars in describing the African slaves shipped to the Virginia colony.[3] Later American English spellings, neger and neggar, prevailed in a northern colony, New York under the Dutch, and in metropolitan Philadelphia's Moravian and Pennsylvania Dutch communities; the African Burial Ground in New York City originally was known by the Dutch name "Begraafplaats van de Neger" (Cemetery of the Negro); an early US occurrence of neger in Rhode Island, dates from 1625.[4] An alternative word for African Americans was the English word, "Black", used by Thomas Jefferson in his Notes on the State of Virginia. Among Anglophones, the word nigger was not always considered derogatory, because it then denoted "black-skinned", a common Anglophone usage.[5] Nineteenth-century English (language) literature features usages of nigger without racist connotation, e.g. the Joseph Conrad novella The Nigger of the 'Narcissus' (1897). Moreover, Charles Dickens and Mark Twain created characters who used the word as contemporary usage. Twain, in the autobiographic book Life on the Mississippi (1883), used the term within quotes, indicating reported usage, but used the term "negro" when speaking in his own narrative persona.[6]

During the fur trade of the early 1800s to the late 1840s in the Western United States, the word was spelled "niggur", and is often recorded in literature of the time. George Fredrick Ruxton often included the word as part of the "mountain man" lexicon, and did not indicate that the word was pejorative at the time. "Niggur" was evidently similar to the modern use of dude, or guy. This passage from Ruxton's Life in the Far West illustrates a common use of the word in spoken form—the speaker here referring to himself: "Travler, marm, this niggur's no travler; I ar' a trapper, marm, a mountain-man, wagh!"[7] It was not used as a term exclusively for blacks among mountain men during this period, as Indians, Mexicans, and Frenchmen and Anglos alike could be a "niggur".[8]

By the 1900s, nigger had become a pejorative word. In its stead, the term colored became the mainstream alternative to negro and its derived terms. Abolitionists in Boston, Massachusetts, posted warnings to the Colored People of Boston and vicinity. Writing in 1904, journalist Clifton Johnson documented the "opprobrious" character of the word nigger, emphasizing that it was chosen in the South precisely because it was more offensive than "colored."[9] Established as mainstre