Friday, November 14, 2014

Late to the Party

"Hi, my name is Europe. What were mountain bikers doing ten years ago in North America? Cool, I'll do that."

Sorry, I realize generalizations like that can be offensive. Mike Kinrade was doing the handful-of-dust-slow-mo-toss like 15 years ago.

One of our TEAM ROBOT readers summed it up perfectly:

"Meanwhile, the 34th place rider in the last WC DH race you watched on Redbull-- the one you skipped past to get to the "fast" guys-- rides 7,346,981 times faster than you when he's hungover and/or not trying.

But speed = dirt bombs exploding in berms, so you'd never know."

I did a little research to see who got 34th at Meribel, and it was some French guy you've never heard of named Faustin Figaret. I'm not saying these are the best videos in the world (they're not), but the riding is easily 1000 times better than anything in the POS Europe Kamloops lovechild featured above:

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I have no idea what results I was looking at yesterday, but in fact Faustin Figaret finished 26th at Meribel. Wyn Masters finished 34th. Mistake corrected, but either way I'd rather have Wyn or Faustin featured in "web edits" instead of the same no-talent chads who always show up]

Great use of "Sirius" by TAPP by the way. Take literally any shitty brown pow web edit from the last 18 months, and instead of running another interior BC bro who put on his best set of Stroker Mags and cut the sleeves off his freshest Dakine flannel, replace snowboard bro with Faustin Figaret. I would rather watch 1000 web edits of Faustin Figaret riding in BC than watch another brown pow bro brah sesh edit. His turns look better, his jumps look better, his whips look better, it looks like he's going faster.

In fact, the real question is how anyone who doesn't race even makes it into film parts. Racers are the best bike riders. Period. They turn better. They go faster. They jump farther. They pump better. And any of the freeride guys who can ride? They all raced.

Jordie Lunn and Kyle Strait raced.

 Cam Zink raced.

Thomas Vanderham raced.

Martin Soderstrom raced.

Tyler McCaul raced.

Nico Vink raced, for what seems like forever.

And Andreu Lacondeguy. Berrecloth showed up to a NW Cup and smoked a bunch of the locals, including me- I crashed, so I almost have an excuse, but not really. Wade Simmons and Richie Schley raced. And, and, and... they all raced.

If you haven't raced yet, you're blowing it, and I never want to watch a video of you riding because I already know you suck.


Anonymous said...

sounds like USA and Enduro....What Europe was doing ten years ago

Coach Pete Sr.LC said...

Adam Hauck never raced - and we both know he is at the Top of your DO NOT kill list.

And what's up with that Laurence Fishburn talk in your last post.......?? Are You starting to fly on UFOs now too?? Taking trips up to the robot mothership to learn about doomsday??


Derp said...

I couldn't have written that better myself. Watching kick outs, brahs standing up in berms, washing out in flat corners, taking shitty lines - well its worth a laugh.

Anonymous said...

I got bored of that 10 seconds in. Did anyone notice he was on a Rocky? It must have been a pre-requisite to doing bro kick outs

Anonymous said...

Meribel finals:

34th Wyn Masters
26th Faustin Figaret

Anonymous said...

sick shoes brah. Im sure his feet never blow off.

Anonymous said...

Hello I'm Europe; what were we doing 10 years ago? Making the best racers in the world whilst North America made a bunch of freeriders who realised they couldn't race so 'raced' all the way to shit results.

Anonymous said...

Hello I'm BC interior

i've raced you sponsel and you couldn't hold a candle to half of my sleeveless flannel wearing bro brahs in regards to speed

you're from oregon. you actually have no idea.

Axel Rødningen said...

I'm so sorry we made this video. I didn't read it all, but I can clearly see you are upset! We will remove it shortly.

- guy who made this.

Anonymous said...

DH World Cup overall - Ratboy (UK)
DH World Champ - Gee (UK)
EWS Overall - JayRad (Oz)
Rampage Winner - Lacondeguy (Euro)
FMB Overall - Semunuk (Canadia)
XC World Cup Overall - Julien Absalon (Euro)
XC World Champ - Probably a Euro
4x World Champ - Thomas Slavik - (Euro)

Wheres the USA guys? Go eat a Big Mac while you think of some dumbshit response. Better yet, kill some more innocents in friendly fire... 'MURICA

splooge said...

You last few anonies are all myopic twats. Reading comprehension must be more difficult whilst fisting yourselves.

The post title was referring to that shit stain of a video, and the fact that so many shit stains like it are just ripping off 10 year old videos from NORTH AMERICA. That include the Flappy Headed Ones. Because it's a continent, see.

The remaining 85% of this post is stroking the cock of some B grade French rider to prove a point-- which is: fuck shitty freeriders and their shit videos full of shit riding-- and you fucktards still can't keep your tiny dicks holstered long enough to let the concept sink in.

5:11PM: Enduro firsties? You're a fucking mistake, stop typing.

8:06AM: You're slightly less retarded, but you've mixed up the first point with the second. Also a mistake, sell your computer and stop sharing.

1:07PM: Cool story. Too bad you're anonymous and nothing you say matters.

9:16PM: Fail. Pretty sure the 750 words explaining why a FRENCH RACER would be better to watch than the NOT-RACERS should have given you pause before shitting out a rebuttal to an argument that was never made.

Anonymous said...

The Pit sucked badly but not as bad as The List, which I watched awhile ago on pinkbike unfortunately. At least these idiots tried to ride some steep terrain, though badly.

Random Black Guy said...

Nigga whaaaaaaaaaaatt ?!??

John Connor said...

Thats not Thomas Vanderham thats his brother

Richard Nixon said...

Trickle Down Bikenomics. Catch up.

barnz0rz said...

Faustin used Radioactive in his vid though..... Isn't that the Enduro anthem?

Anonymous said...

hes french. so bad music taste is a given.